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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23712094">are you going to scarborough fair?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/galacticjellyfish/pseuds/galacticjellyfish'>galacticjellyfish</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Game Grumps</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Chronic Illness, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts, Terminal Illnesses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 21:07:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,117</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23712094</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/galacticjellyfish/pseuds/galacticjellyfish</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“arin, if i wasn’t around anymore, would you be okay with continuing our show?”</p><p>that caused arin to freeze and nearly drop his can, slowly turning to look down at dan, who was shifting uncomfortably in his chair.</p><p>“what do you mean?” arin asked, despite not wanting to know the answer.</p><p>dan’s eyes, dilated and dark, stared deep into arin’s, no clear emotion present.</p><p>“if i wasn’t around anymore, would you be okay?”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Avidan/Suzy Berhow/Arin Hanson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>dan had been acting up for weeks now, but arin had no idea how to tackle the issue. evidently, nobody else did either, considering not a single soul had tried to pry an answer from dan. but arin felt worse about it. they were best friends, they had known each other for so many years, and yet arin couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. </p><p>there were frequent episodes of dan spacing out during recording sessions. retreating deep into his own mind and not immediately responding to arin’s words or touch. at first arin had felt anxious that this was because dan was bored of doing the show with arin, and that perhaps he was planning on leaving to focus on ninja sex party full time. that was until he got word from brian about how dan had been doing the same thing at the recording studio for the band. just spacing out, seemingly randomly, a couple times in the middle of the song. arin was still anxious, but now his heart hurt for new reasons.</p><p>music was everything to dan. it was his entire life. why was he spacing out while recording for his own band? </p><p>arin had brought it up once, right before dan left the office for the day, “dan, are you feeling okay? brian said you were spacing out in the studio. and you’ve been doing it during the grump sessions too.” </p><p>dan gave a chuckle that made arin’s heart happy, and a smile that almost convinced him that everything was just fine, “you’re overthinking things again, arin. i’m alright, just been kind of stressed out lately. i think i need to get more sleep.”</p><p>and that was the end of that conversation. in the moment, dan had fully convinced arin that he was okay, but as soon as dan had left, arin’s mind continued to try to fill in the blanks. obviously dan wasn’t okay. why was he lying? or was arin really overthinking it?</p><p>then came the cracks.</p><p>on monday, suzy had texted him that there was a ‘situation’ in the office’s bathroom and he was needed urgently. it was still early in the morning, and he was looking for dan so they could start planning out the week. but considering suzy had texted him instead of seeking him out, it was probably important. it was also strange to see the word ‘urgent’. it must be serious. </p><p>and well, he did find dan. suzy was kneeling beside him, whispering softly, shooting arin a concerned look when he came in. </p><p>dan was curled into himself, knees tucked firmly under his arms. his knuckles had turned a dark purple from what arin assumed was bruises, eyes blood-shot and wide, tears still falling freely from his eyes. he was staring directly at arin.</p><p>arin instantly dropped down to crouch in front of dan, “dan? dan, what’s going on? are you okay?”</p><p>dan took a shaky breath, not even trying to hide his misery when he spoke, “i’m okay.”</p><p>“he won’t tell me what’s wrong.” suzy explained, not taking her eyes off of dan’s shaking form, “i found him like this when i came in.”</p><p>arin desperately tried to think of a reasonable explanation, but failed, “dan, what’s wrong? we just want to help you, bud.”</p><p>dan stared for a moment, before his head slowly lowered, his long hair covered his eyes.</p><p>“hey, no-“ arin gently brushed away some curls and made dan look up, “stay with me, what’s going on?”</p><p>“arin-“ dan’s voice cracked and it made arin’s heart break, “-please, i don’t wanna talk about it. don’t make me talk about it.”</p><p>so they didn’t talk about it. they stayed with dan until he calmed down, and didn’t bring it up again that day.</p><p>after that incident, arin began paying more attention to dan. a few more times he had caught dan crying in the office, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. </p><p>then arin noticed his weight. dan had always been skinny for as long as arin had known him. they joked about it, it was no big deal. but dan had lost more weight. arin saw him eat. dan was eating more than usual in fact, but it didn’t show. he was skin and bones. he looked sick.</p><p>dan made it a point to only wear long sleeves and pants. sometimes when the sleeves would ride up his arms, arin would catch a glimpse of some awful rashes decorating his skin. that would explain dan’s chronic scratching that he only recently started doing.</p><p>it was difficult for arin the tell what going on. what parts actually mattered, and what he was over analyzing. it was driving him insane. and dan just kept deflecting. he kept refusing to explain what was happening. </p><p>it wasn’t long before it eventually began to come crashing down, though.</p><p>dan was at the table in the kitchen they had in their office, reading something on his phone.</p><p>“hey dan.” arin said as he passed dan to make his way to the fridge, fetching out a flavored water for himself.</p><p>arin heard dan take a sharp breath and shuffle in his chair. he tried to mentally prepare himself for whatever came next.</p><p>“arin, if i wasn’t around anymore, would you be okay with continuing our show?”</p><p>that caused arin to freeze and nearly drop his can, slowly turning to look down at dan, who was shifting uncomfortably in his chair.</p><p>“what do you mean?” arin asked, despite not wanting to know the answer.</p><p>dan’s eyes, dilated and dark, stared deep into arin’s, no clear emotion present.</p><p>“if i wasn’t around anymore, would you be okay?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">arin set the can on the counter, an impressive accomplishment considering how much he was shaking. this was never a situation arin imagined he’d have to deal with. not so soon. he never even thought about game grumps ever ending. he always had assumed they would play video games and do the power hour until they died. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">but there dan was, asking him what he would do if dan left. why would he ask if he wasn’t thinking about it? if he wasn’t planning on it?</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“why? why are you leaving?” he didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh, but <em>fuck</em>. dan was his best friend and he didn’t want him to leave the show. to leave him. he was angry that dan was abandoning him like this.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">the anger faded immediately when dan looked up at him, his face so ghastly and eyes tearing up. dan’s lip had started bleeding at some point.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“i don’t want to.” dan said, “god, i never want to stop doing the grumps with you. i never want to leave you or suzy or anybody. i don’t want to go.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">arin felt like he knew where this was going, but he didn’t want to believe it. he didn’t want to entertain the idea that dan could be-</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">that dan was-</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">arin dragged his chair next to dan’s, sitting beside him, “if you don’t want to leave then don’t. if we need to change something to make it easier for you to split time between nsp and game grumps we can do that. you don’t have to leave.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“you don’t get it.” dan replied, “i’m dying, arin.” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">it was exactly what arin had suspected, but hearing dan say it so bluntly was almost too much.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“they don’t know what’s wrong with me, arin.” dan was sobbing, and arin immediately enveloped him in a hug, “they can’t treat me and they can’t cure me because they don’t know what the fucking problem is. i’m dying and there’s nothing they can do about it. i’m dying, arin!”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">arin didn’t say anything, couldn’t, didn’t want to. he was in shock, still unable to imagine a world without dan in it. a world where he has to bury dan and visit his grave. a world where the only way to hear dan’s voice is through recordings. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">dan can’t be dying. he just can’t be, it’s something arin can’t comprehend. the idea of dan being gone scared him so badly. dan can’t actually be leaving him. not like this.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“i-i’ve gone to so many doctors, arin. they all say they’ve never seen anything like this. nobody can fucking help me.” dan gritted his teeth, his hands balled up into tight fists in his lap, “they give me the strongest dosage of pain meds they can legally give me and tell me they’re so sorry that they can’t help me and they hope someone else can find out what’s going on.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">this wasn’t happening. this wasn’t real. there was no way this was real. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“dan, i-“ arin sighed shakily, “dan, please tell me you’re lying.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“i want to so badly. i wish i was lying.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">there wasn’t a lot more that could be said. arin already knew that he was going to be spending much of the foreseeable future searching for anybody that might be able to help. he wasn’t going to give up so soon. dan said he had been to a lot of doctors, but probably just not the right ones. they just had to find the right doctor, the right treatment, and everything would go back to normal. dan would recover from this disease and live the rest of his life to the fullest.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">arin wouldn’t entertain any other outcome.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">-</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">barry had known for a while. arin knew it made sense. barry and dan lived together, of course barry would notice dan becoming sick. especially if dan had actively been trying to hide everything while he was around anybody else, only breaking down once he was in the comfort of his apartment. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">there was no reason for arin to feel resentment towards barry over this. well, resentment might not be the best word. envy? envious that barry knew all this time? that barry was there helping dan? that barry lived with dan and arin didn’t? it was an awful thought process. barry was just being a good friend. he was being the kindhearted person everyone knew him to be. arin still wished he was the one helping dan all along.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">and there was certainly evidence of a change in the apartment. the closet in the bathroom had all of dan’s newly acquired prescriptions. their place had never been a dump by any standards, but arin was unnerved by just how tidy everything had become.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">there were lots of notes on the calendar in the kitchen, hanging on the wall where things could be easily written. namely exactly how much of each medication dan had taken that day, along with if he used any ointments for the rashes, and occasionally a miscellaneous observation. each day also had a number written. barry explained it was an overall rating for how the day had been, with ten being the best and one being the worst. arin didn’t see any day go above a five. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“how long has he been like this?” arin asked while flipping backwards through the calendar. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“i don’t know exactly. i think maybe a year.” barry confessed, and holy shit, a year? arin felt sick again.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">barry continued, “it took a while for me to realize what was going on because he just refused to talk about it and kept brushing it off, you know? he said he was just tired or had hurt himself somehow on his way home or whatever he would come up with. so i don’t really know when this all started. and dan doesn’t seem to remember.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">arin furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, “what do you mean he doesn’t remember?”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">barry shrugged, “he told me he doesn’t remember what it’s like to not feel like shit all the time. like it’s been happening for so long that it’s all he knows.”</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he really wants to cry at that point. he wants to take all the pain away from dan and carry that burden himself. he wants to comfort dan and help him but he has no idea how to do either. this wasn’t a situation any of them were equipped to deal with.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“they really don’t know what’s wrong with him?” arin asked.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“yeah.” barry stared off in the direction of dan’s room, “they can’t cure a disease that they can’t diagnose. they’re treating his symptoms but that won’t stop him from-“</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">barry trailed off, but arin knew what he meant. he understood why barry didn’t want to say the word. not talking about it didn’t make it go away, but they weren’t ready to face that yet. because dan was going to be fine. he has to be, for everyone’s sake.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!! ive been really sad lately and dan’s new album has got me kinda emotional so i decided to make this. i’d appreciate feedback if you have any!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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